I often wonder how the couples I see strolling the malls, parks, or who wine and dine at the local cuisine near where I live are actually engaging in the “fake it till you make it” act to avoid public humiliation. I think about my own relationship and the times I’ve walked out the door feeling extremely frustrated with my husband, but 5 minutes later am all smiles as we join friends to socialize.
I think about couples that I know personally- the ones who seem to “have it together” all the time and seem so happy in their lives together…are they really? Or is it a cover for what we know is the truth across the board in ALL relationships: That we change, grow (sometimes apart), struggle, and that we WILL disagree and have conflict.
I’m not saying that every unhappy couple out there puts on a mask to the outside world, and I’m also not saying it’s a poor decision if they do. There’s definitely something healthy about compartmentalizing your personal problems and exposing those to the proper people/professionals.
But just so you don’t have to wonder what makes a couple “unhappy”, I’ve put together some of my thoughts here based on experience, education, research, and my work with couples - many of which were still in the first 10 years or less of their marriage/relationship yet found themselves struggling to find happiness in their relationship.
Here are five common dynamics in unhappy couples:
1. Their expectations change, and they don’t talk about it.
You may have done a great job of starting your relationship or marriage off on a great foundation: open communication, sharing your life and relationship goals, discussion of how many kids you want/when you want them, etc. What many couples don’t realize and honor, though, is that expectations, goals, and desires can (and most likely will) change over time. In my work with couples, it is not uncommon to hear “that’s not what you told me when we went to premarital counseling”; “I thought we had agreed on that number!”; “that is completely different from what you said last week when we sat down at talked about this”.
The point: Change happens. You are allowed to change your mind, and so is your partner. The goal is to be communicative about that. So get ready, and work towards becoming flexible, understanding, and open to change when it comes to your relationship. Rigidity holds no place in a relationship because we are
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